What You Want Most
Chapter Two
Harm stalked into his apartment and slammed the door behind him. ‘She was raped’ ran through is mind over and over. He clenched his fist and was startled by a feeling of pain. He looked down to see his keys. He fast-balled them across his apartment into his room. He shrugged out of his jacket and threw it at the couch.
An unbidden image of that sorry excuse of a Marine assaulting Mac and touching her filled his mind. A yell of rage erupted from him and he swept everything off the counter and onto the floor, including a pair of his favorite wine glasses. The crash and tinkle as they hit the floor surprised him and he cursed out loud.
Ignoring the mess, he grabbed a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red, and he took a long pull from the bottle and collapsed onto the couch.
Damn her. Damn that bastard. And damn that baby.
He took another long drink.
Well that wasn’t so nice. It wasn’t the baby’s fault, after all. Well, it really wasn’t Mac’s fault either, was it?
Harm groaned. He didn’t want to think of Mac pregnant with anyone’s child but his own.
Whoa! Where had that thought come from?
He took another swig of the bourbon, realizing that it was true. He couldn’t wait to see Mac’s eyes and her body when they made love for the first time. He wanted to be the one to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother.
Harm’s mind wandered and he continued to drink steadily. Eventually, he passed out.
Harm paced back and forth across the bedroom, jiggling his crying daughter.
“Shhh. . . ” he intoned in her ear. “Daddy loves Michaela, Daddy loves Michaela,” he sang in a singsong voice. He bounced her up and down and patted her diaper-clad bottom. “Please, honey, stop crying. Daddy needs his sleep.”
“How about a song, baby?” He took a seat and, over Michaela’s cries, began to sing.
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, Daddy’s going to buy you a mockingbird.” Harm held her close to his chest and the deep rumbling of his voice finally got her attention.
“And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Daddy’s going to buy you a diamond ring–” Michaela gradually quieted and Harm lowered his voice incrementally. With a few mild shudders and gasps, the baby began to relax and eventually dropped her small head against Harm’s chest.
Harm rocked and sang. “And if that diamond ring turns brass, Daddy’s going to buy you a looking glass– And if that looking glass gets broke, Daddy’s going to buy you a billy goat.
~*~
“Commander Turner, can I talk to you for a moment?” Mac called to Sturgis from the doorway of her office.
Sturgis altered his course and headed toward her. “What can I do for you today, Colonel?” he asked amiably.
From his desk, Harm watched as Mac took hold of Sturgis’ arm and pulled him into her office, closing the door behind them.
“What’s going on, Mac?” Sturgis asked, curious.
“I had a dream last night,” she told him, her face alight.
“Not one of those premonition things, was it?” he asked suspiciously.
“I don’t know; it might be. I’ll tell you in about a year.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind about that. I think I heard God.”
“In your dream?” Sturgis asked, looking a little less skeptical now.
“No, actually, it was after my dream,” she said.
“Well, what did he say to you?”
“He said, ‘That’s nothing compared to the peace of knowing My Son,’ ” she quoted.
“It certainly sounds like something God would say,” agreed Sturgis. “What’s the ‘that’s nothing’ part refer to?”
Mac’s cheeks warmed and pinkened and she hesitated to answer.
“Come on, Mac, it’s me. Was it Harm?”
“Indirectly, I think, although I never actually saw his face, I’m pretty sure it was Harm. I dreamt about my baby, Sturgis. I kept it. It was a boy.” Her face got that glow again.
Sturgis smiled at her and her obvious delight at the thought of a son. “That doesn’t guarantee it will really be a boy, Mac.”
“I know,” she replied.
“I take it you’ve decided to keep the baby then.”
She nodded. “I’ve always thought that babies were a gift of God.”
Sturgis raised his eyebrow at her, but smiled. “God is pleased, I’m sure, and so am I. Congratulations.” He watched as her smile faded. “What’s wrong?”
“Well, I hadn’t really fully accepted the fact that I was going to keep the baby until just now, but how do I tell Harm?”
“What’s the problem?”
“He’s not really happy about the baby. I don’t think he can get past how I came to be pregnant, and I don’t think he’ll accept it.” Mac bit her lip and glanced at the closed blinds between her office and Harm’s. “Sturgis, I’m afraid that the rape will change the way he thinks and feels about me. We’ve been making progress, you know. But now....”
“I’m sure it will all work out. Just have faith, Mac. God already has it all planned out. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.’ ”
“Wow. Really?”
“Really.”
That night, Mac thought a lot about God and his plans for her and her baby, wondering how Harm would fit into those plans if he kept his current frame of mind.
~*~
The second Sunday of November dawned sunny, but cold.
0712...
What an un-Godly...
God...
Mac was suddenly filled with an inexplicable desire to attend church. She remembered there was one just a few blocks away and if she recalled correctly, the service began at nine am. She slid from beneath her warm blankets and headed for the shower.
An hour and a half later, dressed in a simple navy blue suit, Mac walked into Grace Community Church. It was one of the few churches in the D.C. area that still looked like a church. It was a long rectangular building with white siding, green doors, and a steeple. It also had authentic stained glass windows.
“Welcome, my dear.” A tall elderly woman with silver hair greeted Mac with a smile.
“Good morning,” Mac replied, feeling curiously at ease. She passed into the sanctuary; the long aisle separated two sections of pews stained a warm oak color and padded comfortably by forest green velveteen pew cushions.
The sun shining in through the stained glass windows on the east wall created a beautiful kaleidoscope effect and the warmth surrounded her. She found a spot about halfway up and took a seat.
The deep notes of a pipe organ filled the air and Mac was pleased to find that she was familiar with the hymn. The sanctuary continued to fill and Mac checked her internal clock. A few moments later, an older man in a charcoal gray suit stepped behind the pulpit.
This must be the minister.
He greeted the congregation warmly and then read some verses from his Bible. Next he led them in singing several songs. Once that was done, the communion trays were passed around and another man stepped forward and led them in prayer. Since she wasn’t sure about the communion, Mac opted not to participate. Then came the offering bag. She hadn’t thought about that, but dug a $20 bill out of her purse and dropped it in the bag as it went by.
Once that was complete, yet another man, this one much younger than the others, stepped up to the pulpit.
This can’t be the pastor, Mac thought to herself. This guy is young and good looking and well-built.
“And all the people said–?” said the man.
The timbre of his voice surprised her, as did the united voice of the congregation. “Amen.”
“Today I’m going to talk about the Lordship of Christ,” he began. “Please open your Bible to...”
For the next forty-five minutes, Mac sat spellbound. The warmth of the pastor’s voice soothed her troubled soul and his powerful message spoke right to her aching heart. She surreptitiously wiped away her tears during the closing prayer.
As she filed out of the church with everyone else, the same woman who had greeted her when she’d arrived stopped her.
“Hello dear, I’m Wanda Yates. Would you like to stay for coffee?”
As everything she’d just heard whirled around her brain, Mac knew she needed to get home and sort it all out. She shook her head at Wanda Yates. “Thank you, though. I’ve really got to go.” And she hurried out to her car.
For the next three Sundays, it was the same. Mac came to church and was moved by the message, but too confused by it to stick around. However, lunch with Sturgis became a regular thing and Harm watched from afar as Mac metamorphosed into a truly beautiful woman.
Between her pregnancy and the Word of God, Mac blossomed. Harm, however, thought it was because of something entirely different.
~*~
Mac sat for a moment and digested Pastor Aaron’s words. It all just seemed too good and too easy to be true. God couldn’t possibly forgive her for all the terrible things she’d done.
The congregation stood and sang the hymn of invitation, but she was afraid of going forward and being rejected, not only by Pastor Aaron, but also by God.
Several people went forward and Pastor Aaron invited everyone to stay a few more minutes to support them. Mac retook her seat to wait. She twisted her Marine Corps ring around her finger nervously.
Who could she talk to about this?
Just then Pastor Aaron waded into the baptistery that was set in behind the stage.
“Ladies and gentlemen...” he greeted the congregation.
Of course. Why not Pastor Aaron? Who better? He seemed to have some divine inspiration for all the marvelous sermons she’d heard so far. Not once in the last four weeks had she not been hit hard by the Biblical truths he’d talked about. Mac decided to call first thing tomorrow morning and make an appointment.
~*~
Mac nervously bounced her leg up and down as she waited for her appointment with the pastor three days later. She unnecessarily checked her watch.
“Am I late?”
Mac looked up into the most beautiful pair of hazel eyes she had ever seen. Today they reflected the moss green of his cable knit pullover sweater. “Um, no. I’m just a little nervous, I guess.”
Aaron held out his hand. “Aaron Vawter. Nice to me you–?” Although he knew her name from his appointment book, he preferred to let her officially introduce herself.
“Col—Sarah MacKenzie,” she supplied, rising and offering a firm handshake.
“Were you going to say colonel? As in military?”
She nodded. “I’m a lieutenant colonel in the Marine Corps.”
“Wow. I’m impressed,” he said with a smile. “No uniform today?”
She smiled back. “I have a doctor’s appointment later, so I took a day of leave.”
Aaron held his hand up in the direction of his office and escorted her down the hall. “So what do you do for the Marines?”
“I’m a lawyer.”
“A JAG?”
“Yes. How do you know about JAG?” she asked.
“I was in the Air Force for eight years.”
She nodded. “Oh.”
“Have a seat, Ms. MacKenzie,” Aaron said, leaving the door open a crack.
“Oh, please call me Sarah or Mac.”
“All right, Sarah,” he said. “What can I do for you today?”
“Well, I have some questions about going forward and getting baptized.”
Aaron remained silent, but nodded for her to continue.
“I’ve done some terrible things, Pastor Aaron. I’m afraid that you won’t let me get baptized once you know about them, or that God won’t want me.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she spoke.
“That’s what getting baptized is all about... forgiveness of sin. God already knows about all those things.”
“Oh? How does He know? There are things I’ve never told anyone. Not even Harm.”
“He’s God, Sarah, He created you. The Psalmist David says, ‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.’ Psalm 139, verse 13. Even though you don’t know Him, He knows you. He created you to fellowship with Him, but John 14:6 says ‘Jesus said to him’ - he was talking to one of his disciples - ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.’ That means that in order to get to know God the Father, and in order to get to heaven, first you must accept and believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save you from your sins. And Romans 5:8 tells us that, '...while we were sinners, Christ dies for us.’ Do you understand what that means?”
“Can you say it again?”
“Sure. This time, I’ll quote the whole verse. ‘But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.’ ”
Mac repeated it to herself quietly before she spoke. “That Jesus Christ died for us even though we were still sinning. He didn’t wait until we had stopped.”
“That’s right, Sarah. What are some of your other questions?”
“I don’t think I can be good enough. I look at you or some of the other people here at church and you all are such perfect Christians.”
Aaron smiled. “None of us are perfect. There’s no way we can be. And we don’t have to be. God meets us right where we are.”
“Do I need to confess to you?” Mac asked.
“That’s not the way Christianity works. I’m not the one you’ve sinned against. You must confess to God and ask for forgiveness. And He will forgive you, Sarah. All He wants is for you to ask.”
“But Aaron, I’ve done some awful things; terrible things. I can’t even forgive myself.”
“Well, then maybe we need to talk about that at some point. But this is God we’re talking about. God. He created the universe, Sarah. He can and will forgive you. I promise. And once He has, He forgets. To Him, it’s as if it never happened.
“Now that doesn’t mean that you won’t ever sin again, because we’re all human and the devil will continue tempt us. But we can get strength to resist through Jesus Christ. And when we do sin, we should confess and repent right away and He’ll keep on forgiving us.”
Mac was quiet as she contemplated everything Aaron had just said. “Oh I’ve got to go. My doctor’s appointment is in forty-seven minutes. Can I think about it?”
Aaron smiled. “Of course. And don’t forget to pray. I’ll be praying for you, too.”
“You will? Why?”
“Because Sarah, you’re one of the Shepherd’s lost sheep. I’ll be praying that you find your way back to the fold.”
“Oh.”
“And if you want to talk about anything else, then just call. We can talk over the phone or you can make an appointment.”
“Okay.” She held out her hand. “Thank you, Pastor Aaron.”
“My pleasure, Sarah.” He accepted her hand. A ripple of warmth flowed through him and he looked at her in surprise to see if she’d felt it, too, but she just smiled and left his office.
Aaron closed the door and sank to his knees. Lord, she’s not even saved. And only You know if she’ll accept Your Son. Help me to guard myself against any improper feelings toward her. I haven’t had a feeling like this in a long time, Lord, and it scares me. I know that You are in control, and I thank You for Your Son. In His name I pray... Amen.
~*~
During the drive to her doctor’s appointment, Mac thought over what Pastor Aaron had said. She tried to recall the scripture he’d quoted, but drew a blank. She made a mental note to call and ask.
Then her mind wandered to the man himself. He stood as tall as she did and was very well built. He must spend a lot of time working out. His auburn hair was thick and shiny, and those eyes– It was amazing to think that he was unmarried and a pastor, to boot.
Then she remembered the startled look he’d given her as she left and wondered what it had been all about.
~*~
That night, Mac prayed. She lay in bed staring toward the ceiling.
God, are you there?
She waited a moment, but didn’t hear anything.
Well, I guess you’re there. It’s me, Mac. Um, Sarah MacKenzie. I still don’t understand why I was attacked or why I’m having this baby, but Sturgis says you have a plan.
I’ve been thinking of getting baptized, but I’m a little scared. I talked to Pastor Aaron. I guess you know him, too. He says I should just confess and ask you to forgive me. So...
Mac confessed all the bad things she could think of and then asked Him for forgiveness.
God I’m sorry about all those things. Can you ever forgive me? Pastor Aaron says You will. I don’t think he’d lie so I have to take his word for it.
Um... Thank You. Amen.
As the week progressed, Mac continued to contemplate baptism. She kept praying although she didn’t feel as if it were making much difference.
But by Sunday, unbeknownst to her, the Holy Spirit had done its work.
Mac sat there, the tears trickling down her cheeks; Pastor Aaron’s sermon had hit amazingly close to home for her.
As Aaron prayed and the hymn of invitation sung, Mac felt compelled to rise and go forward. The look on Aaron’s face was priceless and Mac smiled at him through her tears.
He held out a hand to her and whispered her name when she was close enough to hear. A decision counselor took her to the back and helped her to prepare for her baptism. A few minutes later, she was led to the baptistry where Aaron waited for her in the water.
He held out his hand to her once again, and helped her down the steps into the water. The lights in the sanctuary dimmed, leaving only the lights in the baptistry.
“I’m so glad, Sarah,” he said quietly. “Ready?”
She nodded.
Aaron looked out into the darkened sanctuary and began. “This is Sarah MacKenzie and she has come forward to accept Jesus Christ.” He turned to her. “Sarah, I need to ask you a couple of questions, okay?”
Mac nodded nervously, keeping her eyes glued to Aaron’s face.
“Sarah, do you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God?”
“I do.”
“Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?”
“I do.”
Aaron blinked back the moisture in his eyes. “Well then– it’s my great honor and pleasure to baptize you in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.” He put one hand on the small of her back and the other over her hand that held her nose and gently lowered her into the warm water and up again.
The congregation clapped and Aaron smiled at her. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” she whispered and turned to the counselor waiting for her. As she stepped out of the water, her soaking robe clung to her figure.
Aaron stared for only a moment before turning to exit the baptistry on the other side.
~*~
Mac floated into the office the next day. She felt so at peace with her decision. She had woken early and spent the first few moments of her day with the Lord.
“What’s up with Mac?” Harm asked Sturgis as they watched her from across the bullpen. “She looks different. You think she got her hair done or something?”
“If I had to guess, I’d say she’s undergone some sort of major life-altering event,” Sturgis replied.
“Like what?” Harm asked, stumped.
“Like baptism.”
“Baptism? You’ve got to be kidding,” Harm scoffed. “Why on earth would she do that?”
“No earthly reason, Harm. No earthly reason at all. If you’ll excuse me.” Sturgis left a slack-jawed Harm and crossed the bullpen to Mac’s office. He knocked gently and stepped inside when she called him in. “So, how was your weekend, Mac?”
“Oh, Sturgis,” she breathed with shining eyes. “I got baptized.”
“That’s wonderful, Mac. Congratulations. Welcome to the family,” he said, offering her a smile. “Just be careful of Harm.”
Her eyes dimmed. “Harm?” she asked, slightly confused.
“He doesn’t understand,” he explained.
“Well, he’ll just have to get over it, won’t he, if we’re going to continue being friends– or anything else, for that matter.”
Sturgis remained silent.
~*~
Mac perused the Sunday bulletin as she waited for services to begin. Now that she was an official church member, perhaps she ought to get involved in something. A small advertisement caught her attention.
Singles fellowship groups meet today. Call Abigail Vawter for more info.
Mac tapped her bulletin with her forefinger. I’ll call this afternoon.
Pastor Aaron’s message was inspired as usual and Mac drove home with a light heart.
Once she had changed and eaten a light lunch, Mac dialed Abigail’s number.
“Hello,” answered a familiar voice.
“May I speak to Abigail, please?” she asked.
“Sure. May I tell her who’s calling?”
“This is Sarah MacKenzie calling about a fellowship group.”
“Hang on one sec. Here she comes.”
Mac heard Aaron relay the message to Abigail.
“Hello, Ms. MacKenzie. Aaron says you’re interested in a fellowship group.”
“Yes, I am, and, please, call me Sarah.”
“All right, Sarah. Would you like to join our group today? We’re getting together at three-thirty here at my apartment.”
“I’d like that. Should I bring anything?” Mac asked.
“Just you and your Bible. Here, let me give you directions...”
Mac wrote down the information and the two women rang off.
A frown marred her face. She didn't have a Bible. A trip to the book store was in order on her way to Bible study.
~*~
“She’s a lieutenant colonel in the Marines, you know,” Aaron said to Abigail.
She looked at him. “Really?” was all she said. Something was definitely up with Aaron. Normally he didn’t say anything about the women in the church, especially the single ones.
“Yep. And she was one of the lawyers who prosecuted that terrorist in that tribunal a couple of years ago.”
“Be careful, Aaron,” Abigail warned gently.
He shook his head. “What do you mean?”
“She’s a very new Christian, that’s all. I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
“I know that Abby. Don’t worry.” He kissed her cheek and smiled charmingly at her.
~*~
Two Fridays Later
“We have one last piece of business,” Admiral Chegwidden said to the group seated around the conference table for a meeting. He stood and ordered, “Atten-hut!”
Everyone leaped to their feet and came to attention.
“Very nice, people,” he said wryly. “It’s nice to see you all have still got it. Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie, front and center.”
“Aye, Sir,” she responded crisply and moved to stand facing the admiral.
Admiral Chegwidden reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small square of cardboard with two full bird colonel eagle emblems on it. He held them up for everyone to see. “Congratulations Colonel MacKenzie.”
Mac smiled widely. “Thank you, Sir.”
“Your welcome, Colonel,” he said shaking her hand. “All right people, back to work.”
Everyone stopped to offer their congratulations before heading back to their respective offices.
“Hey, Mac, let’s celebrate. I’ll buy you dinner,” Harm offered.
“I’d like that.”
“Great. Seven o’clock tonight? I’ll pick you up.”
Mac nodded and entered her office.
~*~
Harm knocked promptly at five after.
Mac swung the door open. “You’re late.”
He looked genuinely contrite. “I’m sorry. There was an accident at Thomas Circle. You look great.” He admired the way the gold mohair sweater dress clung to her shapely figure in all the right ways.
“Thank you, Harm.” She had spent a good hour going back and forth with herself about whether to show skin or dress more modestly. She had finally opted for modest. And Harm’s appreciation was a small sign that she had done the right thing in God’s eyes.
They chatted easily about work during the fifteen minute drive to Lafitte’s Cajun Restaurant.
She looked over at Harm with smiling eyes. “This perfect. I’ve never been here and I’ve been craving something spicy for a week.”
“I’ve had a craving for seafood myself,” he said and swung himself out of the SUV and went around to help Mac out of the vehicle. “Bud was telling me they have great Jambalaya.”
“Mmm–” Mac responded.
They were seated quickly as Harm had the forethought to call for reservations. Some sultry blues whispered from the speakers overhead, and the thousands of fairy lights hung throughout the restaurant provided a romantic setting.
Harm lifted his water goblet and gestured to her. “Congratulations, Marine,” he said softly.
She smiled in return and lifted own glass of water and tapped it against Harm’s. “Thanks.”
Their gazes held for a long while until the server came to take their orders. Mac ordered the Jambalaya that Bud recommended and Harm ordered grilled red snapper with vegetables.
“You’re going to eat all that?” Harm asked when the server brought the food. Her bowl of Jambalaya was huge.
“I’m going to give it my best shot,” she said and grinned. “I’m eating for two now, remember?”
“Two what?”
She gave him a dirty look as she took a bite of the savory Cajun stew, but she wasn’t really angry. “Oh, this is to die for. Here, have a bite.” She held out a spoonful of broth and seafood chunks.
Harm obediently opened his mouth and she fed him the soup, but he was mesmerized by the drop of reddish broth that clung to the corner of her mouth. He swallowed without tasting and watched as Mac poked out the tip of her tongue and cleaned it off.
“So what do you think?” she asked.
He looked into her large brown eyes and blinked. “Um– it was good.”
“Good. That’s all you can say?” she asked. “That’s the best thing I’ve eaten in ages.”
“You want to do something on Sunday?” he asked.
“Sunday? I can’t. I’ve got fellowship group.”
He frowned. “What’s fellowship group?”
“It’s a small group of people--in my case, single people--who get together for Bible study and fellowship.”
“Oh.” He wasn’t expecting that. She was sure getting pretty involved in this whole church thing. “A singles group, huh?”
Mac nodded and took another bite.
“So how many people make up one of these small groups?” he wanted to know.
“Well, there are seven in our group. Pastor Aaron, his sister Abigail, Emma Martin, George Davis, Ben Murphy, Penny Glover, and now me.”
Harm let out a quiet sigh of relief. Four women and two men. You couldn’t really consider the pastor. He was the pastor, after all, and he was probably older than the hills and married to the church.
“Sturgis said something about baptism. I though that was only for babies.”
Mac’s heart stopped for a moment then began beating a hundred miles a minute. It was her first opportunity to witness to somebody. And to Harm, no less. She shook her head and swallowed. “No, it’s not just for babies. Actually, it’s not for babies at all.” Please, Lord, help me. “Baptism requires one to make an informed choice about accepting Christ as Lord and Savior. Then the submersion is the public display of obedience, depicting the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.”
“I see,” he said in a tone that indicated he probably didn’t or was unwilling.
Mac shrugged on the inside. She knew that he’d be difficult anyway, so she changed the subject. “Thanks for dinner. It’s been awhile since we’ve done anything together.”
“And why is that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow, a slight edge to his voice.
Uh oh. “Well, I don’t know. When was the last time we went out?”
“The week before you went to Fort Leonard Wood,” he replied without having to think about it. The week before you were attacked. He had already done a lot of thinking about it.
“Oh.” She hadn’t realized it had really been that long. After she had returned from the Ozarks, she had been busy trying to understand why everything had happened to her. “I didn’t realize it had been that long,” she admitted. “But you haven’t really asked either.”
Harm snorted. “Well, that’s because every time I would try, you’d go running off to Sturgis before I could get the question out.”
“I’m really sorry, Harm. But here we are now.” She smiled at him.
“Right. Here we are now.”