What You Want Most
Chapter Eight
After the first two weeks of maternity leave, Mac finally had Sam on some semblance of a schedule. She would begin her final interviews with baby-sitters in a couple more weeks, visiting the prospective caregivers in their own homes. She had narrowed the list down to three women prior to Sam’s birth. Now she wanted to see each of them interact with Sam, as well as see their homes and meet their families, all of whom would play a significant role in Sam’s life for a while. All of them were members of the church.
Another week passed and Mac began to feel more like herself. She realized that she was relieved that she’d have to go back to work. While she was glad to have this time with Sam, the monotony of housework was boring her to tears.
She had mostly caught up with her sleep, only needing a mid-afternoon nap to offset the remaining middle-of-the-night feeding.
Her coworkers had all stopped by at least once and had called several times. Except Harm. He’d only called once to see how they were in general terms and had claimed another important call to get off the phone.
Even her friends from church had all called to asked if she’d be attending fellowship group each Sunday, and if she’d be bringing Sam.
And all the while, Mac imagined herself married to Harm. She wondered what it would be like to send him off to work each morning and welcome him home each evening with a kiss.
She even contemplated calling him a time or two to tell him she’d changed her mind. But something always stopped her. Either Sam would wake up for a feeding or the phone would ring.
And then there was Aaron. He called every other day just to see how she and Sam were doing and if they needed anything. She began to look forward to those calls even though they usually lasted no longer than two minutes.
It wasn’t until Aaron missed a day that Mac finally realized what really kept her from calling Harm or feeling completely miserable about her decision.
She liked Aaron. She liked him a lot.
And he was in love with her. But that had been three months ago. Did he still feel the same way? All the signs indicated that he did. He’d remembered the scent of her perfume after three months, the bouquet of yellow roses, and the phone calls every other day.
She’d yet to mention that she’d finally refused Harm’s proposal. Maybe he was waiting for a sign from her that she was interested.
But was she really interested?
If he were still in love with her, he’d be shooting for the brass ring--or should she say the diamond engagement ring?
Well, she was certainly ready for the whole enchilada. She shook her head. What was with her and bad metaphors today?
When he finally called the next day, she didn’t quite know how to bring it up without being too obvious.
“It’s Aaron.”
“I know.”
He could hear the smile in her voice. “I’m sorry I didn’t call yesterday. I got tied up in a meeting.”
“That’s okay.”
“So how is everything?”
“Fine. Mostly boring,” she said.
“How’s Sam?”
Her voice softened. “He’s wonderful; only cries when he’s hungry.”
“And how are you?”
“I’m fine, too. This apartment is the cleanest it’s been since I moved in.”
Aaron chuckled. “Well...” he said.
“Well...” Mac echoed.
“I guess I’d better get to work,” he said half-heartedly.
“Okay,” she agreed unenthusiastically.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, Sarah.”
Mac hung up the phone and groaned. Boy did she sound intelligent. He probably thought she lost her intellect when she had Sam.
Aaron hung up the phone and grinned. It was almost time.
~*~
The following Sunday, Mac made it to church and the fellowship group. They all fussed over her and the baby. Mac handed out thank you cards for the gifts they’d given her and Sam.
“...and thank you, Father God, for watching over Sarah and Sam, for bringing Sam safely into this world, and for bringing them both to us today. Thank you for Your Son, Jesus. It’s in His name we pray. Amen,” Aaron prayed. And then, “All right! Let’s eat!”
Sam awoke and began to fuss for his dinner. Mac grabbed his bottle and reached for him.
“Oh, may I?” asked Emma.
“Of course,” Mac replied, handing Sam, his bottle, and a cloth diaper to her. Emma settled into Abigail’s sofa and handled the feeding expertly.
“So how’d it go?” Abigail asked in the kitchen a few minutes later. It was really the first chance they’d had to talk since Sam was born.
“How’d what go?” Mac asked, taking a couple of barbecue meatballs.
“The birth.”
“Pretty well. Fast. Harm was there, too. He was great,” Mac said, smiling.
“Yeah?”
Mac nodded and remembered.
“So... How are things going with you two?”
Mac’s smile disappeared. “They’re not, really. He proposed again and I told him no.” Her voice wavered a bit. It was still a tough memory. “It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.”
“I’m sure,” Abigail agreed, sympathetically. “But God heals all hurts.”
Mac sniffed a little and nodded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get all teary on you.”
“Hey, it’s okay. Those post-partum hormones will get you every time.”
“It’s been almost five weeks, though,” Mac said with a shaky voice.
“They can last for months. Don’t you have to go back to work soon?”
“Yeah. A couple more weeks,” Mac answered.
“It might be a little uncomfortable around Harm for awhile,” Abigail said.
“We’re both adults and we’ve been through tough situations before. We should be able to work through this eventually.” Mac began to cry again.
Abigail hugged her. “It’s okay, Sarah.”
“Hey!” said Aaron coming in for more sweet tea. “Oh. I’m sorry. Is everything all right?”
“Just post-partum blues,” Abigail explained without wanting to reveal Mac’s confidence.
“I told Harm no,” Mac admitted with a small sniff. “And I have to go back to work in two weeks and face him.”
Aaron nodded solemnly on the outside, but he was doing cartwheels on the inside. “Oh, I see,” he said quietly. “Just remember Philippians 4:13; ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’ ”
“Thanks.” Mac nodded.
“You did the right thing, Sarah. God will work it out.” He offered her a little smile and the headed back into the other room.
“Aaron’s right, Sarah,” said Abigail. “It was the right thing no matter how much it hurts right now and God will see you through.”
Mac sighed and grabbed a napkin to wipe her face dry. “I know. I’m over it, mostly. I just get scared sometimes that I’ve ruined our friendship forever. And that I couldn’t bear.”
~*~
That night, Aaron prayed for Mac and for Harm. He could well imagine the other man’s pain. He also prayed for wisdom in courting Mac. He knew that Harm’s friendship was an intrinsic part of her life and that she had to grieve over the loss of the way things had been between them. But he also knew that his attentions would go a long way in helping her put it behind her.
As he finished, he felt a peace come over him and the urge to call Mac was strong. He glanced at the clock on the mantle. Nine-thirty. He’d have to take the chance, so he picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.
It rang several times before her sleepy voice came on the line. “’Lo?”
“Sarah, I’m sorry. I was hoping you’d still be up.”
She softly cleared her throat. “No, no. It’s okay.” She was pleased to hear from him. “What’s up?”
“Well. I just finished praying for you and for Harm, and...”
“You prayed for Harm?” she asked, surprised.
“Yes.”
“But why? Harm doesn’t even...” ...like you.
“Like me?” Aaron guessed.
“Well...” she hedged.
“It’s okay. I’m a pretty astute guy. I know he feels I’m a threat. And unfortunately I can’t do much right now to change that perception. Except pray that God will heal his hurts and give him clarity on the whole thing at some point.”
Mac was silent.
“Anyway,” Aaron continued, “I know you’re worried about your friendship with him and I just wanted to tell you not to worry. I don’t know how long it’ll take, but eventually it’ll all work out.”
“How do you know that?”
“Just a feeling I have.” There was a short silence and he finally asked how Sam was.
“Oh, he’s fine, but he’s starting to fuss for his bedtime feeding. I’d better go.”
“Good night, then.”
After hanging up, Mac picked up Sam from his carrier and changed his diaper and dressed him in little sailor pajamas. She settled into her glider and unfastened her blouse to feed him. The gentle tug on her breast as Sam nursed relaxed her and her mind began to wander. She remembered Harm’s first proposal and the way he’d stayed with her when Sam was born. Then she remembered when Aaron had confessed to being in love with her. Finally, the dream she’d had those many months ago flitted through her mind; Sam’s smile and the man in the bed with her. She’d been so sure it was Harm, but now she wondered... Could it have been Aaron?
~*~
Two weeks later, Mac returned to work. She was a bit nervous about seeing Harm. He’d barely spoken to her in the last four weeks.
Everyone else welcomed her back warmly and it was almost as if she’d never been gone. She flashed Sam’s photo any time anyone asked about him.
“Welcome back, Colonel.” The admiral greeted her warmly.
Mac came to attention. “Good morning, Sir.”
He nodded. “At ease. Are you ready to get back to work?”
”Yes, Sir.”
“Good. Follow me.” He turned and headed for his office.
~
“Have a seat, Colonel,” the admiral invited, once inside his office. He took his place behind his desk. “Any idea why Commander Rabb has been moping around?”
Mac flushed slightly. “Um, well... Maybe because I turned down his marriage proposal.”
The admiral raised an eyebrow. “I see.” He looked down at the file on his desk and then back at Mac. “Well, then.” He picked up the file and handed it to her. “Petty Officer Barker has been charged with possession of illegal drugs. He claims the drugs must have ended up in his gym bag by mistake. Find out what happened.”
Mac stood at attention. “Aye, aye, Sir.”
~
Mac perused the file as she passed through Petty Officer Tiner’s office. “Oh!”
“Ugh.”
The file went flying as strong hands grasped her arms to steady her. “I’m sorry.”
Mac knew the voice before she looked up into Harm’s face.
His eyes lit up for a fraction of a second, but immediately dimmed. His voice was soft. “Mac.”
“Harm,” she replied just as quietly.
He released her and bent to pick up the strewn papers. “Are you all right?”
She kneeled down to help. “I’m fine. How are you?”
Their fingers brushed as she accepted the papers he held out to her. A small tremor flowed through her and she looked up into his wary gaze.
He stood, breaking eye contact, but helping her upright. “I’m fine,” he said. “Sorry about that. I’ve got to run.”
“Okay...” she said, but he was already gone. Mac blinked. Evidently, neither one of them was completely over it, she thought. She shook her head and went to her office.
“Ma’am?” Petty Officer Coates stuck her head in the door moments later. Mac looked up. “There’s a call for you on line two.”
“Thanks.” Mac nodded and reached for the phone. “Colonel MacKenzie.”
“Hi,” said Aaron.
“Hi,” she said warmly. “What are you doing?”
“Talking to you,” he replied.
She smiled. “Besides that.” Mac swiveled her chair around to look outside.
“Doing some research for my sermon next Sunday.”
“What’s it about?”
“Responding to the Governing Authorities,” he told her.
“Sounds interesting.”
“Well, I hope so.”
Mac chuckled. “I suppose you do.”
“So how’s your day going?”
“Better now,” she said honestly, surprising them both.
“Glad to hear it. Do you have something interesting to work on?” he asked.
“Yeah. A petty officer accused of possession of an illegal substance. He claims the drugs are not his.”
“Wow,” said Aaron. “You’ll have to let me know how it turns out.”
“All right.”
“Well, I’ll let you get back to work. I just wanted to see how it was going. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay. Bye...” They both hung up.
Mac swiveled back around in her chair to put the phone back in its cradle, a pleased smile on her face.
She looked up at the knock on her door and motioned Harriet inside.
“Welcome back, ma’am,” said Harriet, noting the smile.
“Hi Harriet. What’s up?”
“Have you got a few minutes?”
“Sure.” Mac waved at one of the chairs in front of her desk and Harriet took a seat.
“I was thinking of organizing another JAG-A-Thon. What do you think?”
“I think it’s a great idea,” Mac said.
“Do you think everyone else will go for it?” Harriet asked.
“I’m sure they will, Harriet. Any ideas on a charity?”
“I was thinking of the Special Operations Warrior Foundation. With all that’s been going on in the world, I’m sure they’ll need some funds.”
Mac nodded solemnly. “Unfortunately.”
Harriet stood. “Thank you, Ma’am. I’ll go talk to the admiral.”
~*~
The JAG-A-Thon was scheduled for mid-September. Mac began training; running during her lunch hour and on weekends with Sam in the special stroller she had purchased.
And Aaron finally asked Mac out. Sort of. It didn’t seem like an official date since Sam was included, but she was pleased none-the-less.
“This is awesome,” Mac said once they were inside the cool and darkened interior of the museum. They strolled up and down, looking at and discussing each of the displays and type of dinosaur at length.
After about an hour, Sam had enough and started fussing.
“Let’s sit down here and you can feed him,” Aaron suggested.
Mac nodded and sat on a bench. She pulled a bottle and a jar of baby food from the diaper bag. “Thank you so much, Aaron,” she said. “I really enjoyed this. How’d you know?”
“Sarah, the few times I’ve been to your apartment, there were dinosaur books all over the place. Not to mention your miniature excavation site.”
“Oh, yeah,” she said, sheepishly, spooning a mouthful of bananas into Sam.
“Harrumph,” came the snort from the bench behind them. They looked at eacher other, smiles fighting propriety as the owner of said harumph approached them.
“Well, if it isn't Pastor Aaron, as I live in breathe,” said a stout unhappy looking woman Mac faintly recognized. Her sarcastic tone, set Mac on edge. Aaron's face took on a neutral expression.
Aaron nodded and rose. “Mrs. Rigby, I hope you're enjoying the museum as much as Sarah, Sam, and I are.”
“Quite,” she said, giving Mac a frosty glare. “Good day.”
She didn't look like she was enjoying the museum. And the looked she'd just given Mac didn't bode well for either of them.
“What did I ever do to her?”
“Don't worry about it. I'll call her tomorrow and get it straightened out. Let's just enjoy the rest of our day. All right?”
Mac nodded as she lifted Sam out of his stroller to cradle him while he drank his bottle. “No one’s ever thought to take me to a museum before,” she remarked.
“That’s because no one ever cared enough about you to think of it,” Aaron replied pointedly.
“That’s not true,” she denied quickly.
“Oh, no? Name one man who put your wants and needs ahead of his own?” he challenged.
“Well, my Uncle Matt, for one,” she answered with a fond smile.
“Family members don’t really count.”
Mac looked at Aaron as she lifted Sam to her shoulder to burp him. “John Farrow.”
Her gentle tone convinced Aaron more than words could have that it was true. But, he noted to himself, she hadn’t said Harm.
~*~
“Martin! Martin Rigby!”
“What’s got your knickers in a twist?” he asked. He’d loved her for twenty-seven years, but he was well aware of her faults.
“Well!” she said indignantly. “I’ll tell you what, Martin Rigby: that young pastor has got to go.”
Martin led her to the couch, scratching his balding head. “Eleanor, calm down and tell me what’s going on.”
“I saw our pastor carrying on with that new gal--you know, that unwed mother.”
“Carrying on how? Were they doing the deed in a public place or something?”
“No, they were not!” she replied aghast. “But they--”
“What were they doing, Eleanor?” Martin asked. “Where did you see them?”
“I took Julia and dear Prudence to see the dinosaur exhibit at the museum. And there they were, plain as day. And with that baby, too.”
“First of all, that baby is innocent of any wrong doing,” Martin said sternly, “so drop that tone. Second of all, I’m sure they weren’t doing anything untoward seeing as how they had the baby with them in a public place.”
Eleanor considered what her husband said and then frowned. “You’re right. That poor child... Who knows what he’s been exposed to.”
“Eleanor...” Martin’s tone held a warning tone. One she well knew after thirty-two years of marriage. “What did you see?”
“It’s not what I saw, it’s what I heard,” she said smugly.
“So now you’re an eavesdropper?”
“I-- Well, no, of course not. They weren’t making any effort to lower their voices. I just happened to be sitting behind them.”
Martin rolled his eyes. “Fine. What did they say?”
“Well...” She practically licked her chops. “Aaron made the comment that she had dinosaur books all over her apartment.”
“So she likes to read,” said Martin with a shrug.
“No, dear. The point is: He knows there are books all over the place because he’s obviously been to her apartment. That’s what I heard him say.”
Now Martin frowned. “Eleanor, this is a very serious charge. Are you absolutely certain of what you heard?”
“Of course, I am.”
“All right. I’ll talk to him about it on Monday. Meanwhile, don’t say a word to anyone.”
”Monday? Shouldn’t you call an emergency elders meeting or something?”
“I though you liked Aaron,” Martin remarked.
“Well, I do, but....”
“Then let’s give the man a chance to defend himself before we go arming the firing squad.” Martin patted his wife’s hand and stood. “And please remember not to discuss this with anyone, okay?”
She sniffed. “Oh, all right.”
~*~
“Mornin’ Pastor.” Martin greeted Aaron cheerfully on Monday morning. “You got a minute or two?”
“Eleanor?” Aaron said, curious.
“Yep. Let’s go into your office,” Martin suggested, heading that way.
Aaron nodded and followed the older man. Aaron sat behind the desk and Martin sat in front of it.
“What’d she say?” Aaron asked.
“I’m almost embarrassed to bring this up, but... as senior elder, it’s my job. You understand.”
“She took Jules and Pru to see the dinosaurs.”
“Yes. I took Sarah. She loved it.”
“I need to ask you about Sarah, uh, Ms. MacKenzie.”
“Okay,” said Aaron, confused.
“Eleanor seems to have this idea that you two are... um... you know...” Martin waggled his eyebrows up and down. “Carrying on as she put it.”
Aaron guffawed loudly. “What gave her that idea?”
“She says you did. She overheard you comment on Ms. MacKenzie’s dinosaur books being all over her apartment. And, of course, the only way you’d know that is if you’d been there.”
“Martin, when we interviewed, I explained my position on pre-marital relations. That hasn’t changed any just because Sarah’s a gorgeous sexy woman.”
Martin smiled. “That she is.” Then he sobered a bit. “I didn’t think it had, but it’s my job to look into these things.”
“Of course it is,” Aaron agreed.
“And I came straight to you for an explanation.”
Aaron shrugged. “Simple. Singles fellowship group. We met at Sarah’s apartment several times back in January. Other than that, I’ve never been to her place.”
Martin beamed and slapped his hands on his thighs. “I knew it. Well then, I’ll let you get back to work.”
“Give my regards to Eleanor,” Aaron said with a grin.
It was Martin’s turn to laugh. “You know I will.”
~*~
Over the next couple of months, Aaron asked Mac out on numerous occasions, sometimes including Sam and sometimes not. She never failed to be delighted by his thoughtfulness, and his demeanor with Sam was wonderful.
Work kept her busy and she fretted over Harm less and less. For the most part, Admiral Chegwidden had been solicitous in not assigning them to the same case. For that, Mac was grateful. She saw him mostly in passing and did her best to be friendly.
Staff meetings were a problem in the beginning. Since they had almost always sat together prior to their estrangement, people usually left a seat open for which ever of them arrived after the other.
Mac finally started walking in with Sturgis. Perceptive friend that he was, he understood the situation immediately and took the seat next to her. Harm was a little startled the first time, his mouth settling into a grim line, but he recovered quickly. Occasionally she opted to sit next to Harm just to prove there were no hard feelings.
The day of the second JAG-A-Thon came closer. Mac had kept to her running schedule and felt great. She had already lost all the weight she had gained during her pregnancy and then some.
And in an effort to try to reestablish their friendship, Mac invited Harm to run with her. The first time, he looked completely offended and turned her down flat.
It had hurt. A lot. But she tried to look at it from Harm’s point of view. The second time she asked, he declined again, but gave her a polite and plausible excuse. Mac waited a couple of weeks before asking again, though. She didn’t want him to think she was pressuring him, nor was she quite ready for another rejection.
But Harm surprised her by accepting. Their first run together was understandable uncomfortable. They exchanged stilted chitchat for the first few minutes, and then by a mutually unspoken agreement, settled into a companionably silent run.
Each time they ran, they found a little more to talk about and Mac was relieved that their friendship seemed to be on the mend.
It was inevitable. She finally had to face Harm in court. It was a complicated case, but nothing neither one of them couldn’t handle. And the verdict could go either way. Should Harm win, Mac was going to offer a celebratory dinner invitation.
Mac was nervous on the first day of the trial, but her efforts had not been in vain. Harm was the same litigator he’d always been and the trial proceeded smoothly as far as the two of them were concerned. The case wound down and the verdict remained unpredictable until it was read. To her surprise, Mac won. She hoped that fact would not upset the apple cart.
“Great job, Counselor.” Harm stepped across the aisle and offered her his hand.
She accepted it and his large warm hand closed around her smaller one. “Thanks, Harm. You did a great job, too. I thought the jury would go the other way, for sure.”
“Yeah, well.” He shrugged and turned away to get his briefcase.
Mac’s heart sank. She collected her own files and notepad and stuffed them into her briefcase.
“Say, Mac?” he asked, waiting for her.
“Yeah?”
“How about dinner? Winner’s choice, loser buys,” he offered.
Mac smiled. “Great. I’ll meet you at Caracella’s at 1900.”
Harm was slightly taken aback at having to meet her there, but she didn’t want to give him any false impressions or hopes.
Dinner went as well as she expected. They were both a little stiff, but it was a pleasant evening all in all. Mac hoped Harm wouldn’t bring up his proposal and, to her relief, he didn’t.
Mac and Harm continued to run together on a regular basis, but never on the weekends. They were slowly rebuilding their bond. Until three weeks before the JAG-A-Thon. Harm had to go out of town on an investigation.
Harm’s trip was fortuitous, although unbeknownst to Aaron. This was the week Aaron had decided to really push his suit. He courted Mac. He called almost everyday. He sent flowers and took her on the most romantic date he could plan – without Sam.
~*~
“There’s something different about Mac,” Harm commented to Sturgis when he returned. “I just can’t quite put my finger on what it is.”
The two men stood in Harm’s office watching Mac talk to Harriet in the bullpen.
“Do you think she’s lost weight?” Harm asked.
“She does look a little slimmer,” Sturgis agreed, “but I don’t think that’s what you really mean.”
“Well, what do you think it is?”
Sturgis considered his response before speaking, not wanting his friend to be hurt. “I think she’s fallen in love.”
“Really?” Harm said hopefully, taking another look at Mac and smiling. “That’s good news.”
“No, Harm. Wait....” Sturgis called after Harm, but Harm was already out the door and heading for Mac. Oh, no...
“Hey, Mac,” Harm greeted her with a wide smile.
Her heart constricted just a bit at the charming smile, just as it had always done. But that’s as far as it went. She smiled back and replied, “Welcome back, Harm.”
Her response pleased him immensely, seeming to support Sturgis’s assertion of Mac’s feelings.
“How’d the investigation go?” she asked.
“Uneventful,” he said, still smiling.
“It was pretty quiet around here without you,” she said. “I missed our runs.”
Harm rocked back and forth from heel to toe, pleased. “Yeah. Me, too. Tomorrow?”
She nodded.
Mac and Harm ran together twice a week until the day of the second annual JAG-A-Thon.