What You Want Most
Chapter Two
The chill in the November air was in direct contrast to the warmth of the church office.
Mac shrugged out of her overcoat as she headed toward Aaron’s office. Her pre-nuptial appointment with Mrs. Wheeler wasn’t for another twenty minutes and she wanted to say hello to Aaron.
She knocked lightly on the small square of glass in Aaron’s door. Aaron came around the desk to open the door.
“Hi,” he said, his face alight.
“Hi.” Mac stepped inside and took a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk.
Aaron wiped the palms of his hands on the front of his jeans and turned the other chair to face her and sat down. “I honestly never thought I’d be in this position.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked, shaking her head in curiosity.
“Well, normally I do the pre-marriage counseling. And now I’m the one getting married. I can’t counsel myself.”
“No, I suppose not,” she said with a little smile.
“So,” he said. “I suppose you’re here to talk to Mrs. Wheeler?”
“Yes,” she answered, checking her internal clock. “In fifteen minutes.”
“All right. Good.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’ve been talking to Martin Rigby.”
Mac leaned forward and put her hands on his knees. “Aaron, what’s wrong?”
Aaron jumped at her touch and stared at her hands before looking up into her soft brown eyes. “Um. We need to talk, Sarah. I’ve got something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” she asked, concern tingeing her voice and furrowing her brow.
“Now’s not really the time, Sarah. How about dinner tonight?”
“Sure. You want to come over to my place? I’ll cook.”
Aaron smiled. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Can’t blame a girl for trying,” she replied with a wink.
“Abigail said we could go over to her house. She’s cooking and we can talk in her little library. Six-thirty?”
“Okay.” Mac was now a little nervous. She stood and moved to the door. “Should I postpone my appointment with Mrs. Wheeler?”
“No, of course not.” Aaron walked with her. “I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m just a little nervous about what I have to tell you.”
“That doesn’t help.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.”
“I’m sor- ” Aaron clamped his mouth shut. “It’ll be fine.”
Mac raised an eyebrow at him.
“I promise,” he said with a smile. “Now go. I’ll see you tonight.” He reached up cupped her cheek with his hand, lightly running his thumb over her cheek.
She pressed her cheek into his palm. “Bye.”
~*~
“Abigail, that was wonderful,” Mac said, laying her napkin next to her plate. “I haven’t had home made beef stew in ages.”
Abigail rose and began collecting the dishes. “It's my pleasure. It's Aaron's favorite childhood dish. I'll give you the recipe later.”
“Oh, here, let me help you,” Mac offered, grabbing the large pot of stew and following Abigail.
“That’s okay, Sarah, I can take care of it,” Abigail protested, knowing her brother was anxious to talk to his fiancée. “You two go talk.”
“It’s the least we can do.” Mac looked at Aaron. “She cooked. We can do is help clean up. It won’t take that long if we all work together. Is that alright?”
“Of course, it is,” Aaron said, with a smile.
Within fifteen minutes, the kitchen was set to rights and the dishwasher was humming.
“Alright, you two, go on, now.” Abigail grabbed her cross-stitch and her portable CD player. “I’m going to sit here and listen to my new Michael W. Smith CD and work on this Paula Vaughn sampler.” She took a seat in the burgundy Queen Anne chair and switched on the light next to it. “Go on into the library and talk.” She slipped on her headphones and pulled the project out of its bag.
Aaron and Mac did as instructed and stepped into Abigail’s small library. Aaron pulled the French doors shut behind them. Three of the four walls were lined with books, except for a small square window in one of them. Collectible angel plates framed the French doors. Aaron indicated for Mac to sit in the comfortable armchair while he sat on the matching ottoman.
“Aaron, you’re making me very nervous. Why do we need to talk here with your sister as a chaperone? Are you worried that I’m going to try and seduce you again?”
“No, it’s not that,” he reassured her.
“Are you planning on breaking the engagement and are afraid I’m going to cause a scene?” She was getting really worried now.
“No. Sarah, it’s nothing like that. I swear.” Aaron took a deep breath. “It’s me. I need the chaperone. I need to be kept accountable. Now more than ever.”
“You? Why?”
“I’ve got to practice what I preach, Sarah, and I preach abstinence until marriage. For me, that includes everything from hand-holding to intercourse.” Aaron rose and turned away form her, missing the startled expression on her face.
“I guess that explains the lack of physical affection.”
“It’s the standard I set for myself when I began seminary school. It hasn’t been a problem until now. Until I met you. For the first time in my life I’m tempted – almost unbearably so.”
“What are you saying? That I’m a tease? I realize that that night in my apartment was, was – ”
He whirled back to look at her. “Sarah, no. That’s not it at all, I promise. That has been forgiven and forgotten.” He ran a hand through his hair. Boy was he screwing this up, big time.
“It’s not you, it’s me. For all these years, God has blessed my commitment to chastity. I’ve been able to distance myself physically from women. I haven’t had romantic feelings for a woman in a very long time. And I thought that marriage wasn’t in the cards for me.
“And then I met you. And now I’m experiencing all these strange feelings and emotions. After that kiss, I ache to hold you in my arms with nothing between us but a sigh.” He laughed humorlessly. “Let me tell you, I can fully sympathize with the youth right now.”
Mac raised a surprised skeptical eyebrow, but Aaron had turned away.
“At first, I fought my feelings. I mean, you were an unsaved, unwed mother-to-be! I thought I was going crazy. But I prayed and prayed and prayed, and God finally gave me a peace about it. I knew from early on that you were the one.”
“How awful for you; all that time I went on and on about Harm,” she said, cringing.
“Well, it wasn’t so bad. It was just a matter of time. But now, I’ve got something to tell you. And I’m a little worried about it.”
“I can’t imagine that you’ve done anything near as bad as I have,” she said.
“Oh, I never said it was bad, now did I?”
“No... you didn’t,” she acquiesced with a slight shake of her head.
Aaron took a deep breath and turned away from her.
“Come on, Aaron, how hard can it be?” she asked gently.
“It’s hard, okay?” He turned back to her. “I’m not ashamed or anything, but a lot of people would consider me strange - or worse – if they knew.”
Mac just looked at him, mute, waiting.
Aaron took another breath and blurted, “Sarah, I’m a thirty-eight-year-old virgin.”
Her eyes rounded in disbelief. He almost laughed at her stunned expression. “You don’t believe me?”
“W-well, of course, I believe you. I mean you certainly wouldn’t lie to me.” She blinked and shook her head. “I was totally not expecting that.”
“It’s true, Sarah. I’ve only had one other serious relationship, but things never went that far. Can you understand why I’m a little worried?”
Mac was quiet for a few moments as she considered the situation. “Because I have experience and you don’t, and you’re worried that I’ll feel unsatisfied or disappointed or, or that I’ll compare you and find you lacking in some way.”
He nodded. “Yeah, that just about covers it.”
“Would it help if I told you how long it’s been since I’ve been with a man? Well, aside from the rape, that is?”
Aaron flinched at her mention of her assault. He knew that calling it something other than what it was didn’t change what happened, but he just couldn’t bear the thought of it. “Yes. No. I don’t know. Sarah, this is serious.”
Mac rose and closed the gap between them, placing her hand on his cheek. He didn’t pull away from her touch. “I know it is. But I’m not sure how to allay your fears. I’ve never compared the men I’ve been with. Ever. I promise.”
Aaron nodded, finally pulling away. “Okay,” he whispered, then smiled ruefully. “I guess I can try to put a positive spin on it.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, I’ve never learned any bad habits. You can teach me everything I need to know about you.”
Mac chuckled. “Is there anything else you need to tell me?”
“No, not right now. There’s not a whole lot more that you don’t already know.”
“I worry sometimes, too,” she admitted softly.
“About what?”
“Well, you know everything about me...”
“And I fell in love with you anyway,” he replied gently.
“I just worry that someday it’ll all be too much and that you’ll hate me for what I’ve done – the way I’ve lived.” The tears welled up in her eyes.
“Sarah, that’ll never happen. God wouldn’t have allowed me to fall in love with you if your past was going to be an issue – which it isn’t.
“First of all, you are who you are today because of the things that have happened to you. And second, if God can forgive and forget, then I have to, too. When you accepted Christ, you were forgiven forever. Right?”
She nodded, unable to speak. The tears finally spilled over and ran down her cheeks.
“Sarah, don’t,” Aaron whispered, reaching out to brush them away. “I want to hold you so bad, Sarah, but I can’t. Not yet.”
Their gazes held for a long moment until Mac looked away. “I’d better go before temptation gets the better of us both. I love you.” She rushed out of the small room, wiping the remaining moisture from her face. “Thank you, Abigail,” she said as she grabbed her coat and her purse.
“Are you alright, Sarah?” Abby asked and rose from her chair to follow Mac to the door.
“I’m fine, really. I’ve got to pick up Sam,” she said pulling open the door.
“Okay...” Abigail watched as Mac hurried down the walkway to her car. She felt Aaron behind her. “What did you say to her?”
~*~
“Good morning, Ms. MacKenzie.”
“Good morning, Mrs. Stoddard.” Mac nodded in greeting, accepting the church program from the other woman. “I have a list of the women’s ministries for you, dear. You can choose which ones you are most interested in taking over.”
“What are you talking about, Mrs. Stoddard?” she asked.
“Well, once you and Aaron are married, you’ll get out of the... Marines, is it?”
Mac nodded, her jaw clenching at the implication.
“And get involved in the church.”
“And why would I do that?” Mac asked tersely, but the other woman didn’t notice.
“That’s the way it works, dear,” Mrs. Stoddard explained, patting Mac’s arm and handed her the list.
“I see...” She accepted the sheet of paper and stalked to the nursery to get Sam. How dare she...
Mac handed her nursery ID card to Mrs. Johnson.
“So, Ms. MacKenzie,” said Mrs. Johnson sweetly, “I suppose that you’re getting anxious to get married and give Sam a brother or sister – not to mention giving Aaron his very own child.”
“Well, I hadn’t really thought about it, Mrs. Johnson,” she hedged. Warning bells tinkled in the back of her mind.
“Pastor Aaron is wonderful with the little ones. You know he does nursery duty once a month for the ladies Bible study, don’t you? He’ll make a wonderful father, dear.”
Mac nodded. Aaron was great with Sam.
“I’m sure the military will be sad to see you go,” the elderly woman continued.
“It’s not that easy, Mrs. Johnson,” Mac said. “I really have to leave. May I have Sam, please?”
“Of course, dear, I’m sorry. He’s such a sweetie.” Mrs. Johnson handed Mac the diaper bag and then passed Sam over the safety gate.
“Thank you,” Mac said with a hard edge to her voice that went right over Mrs. Johnson’s head.
Mac and Sam were headed for the car when Mrs. Rigby waylaid them. Mac groaned.
“Woo-hoo! Ms. MacKenzie!” Eleanor Rigby called, waving at hand at Mac.
Mac stopped and waited for the woman to catch up. “What can I do for you, Mrs. Rigby?”
“Well, Sarah, dear,” she began importantly, “I know Aaron would never say anything, but you realize that he expects you to quit the Marines and take a larger role in the church.”
“Is that so?” Mac asked, her patience wearing very thin by this time.
“Well, of course, dear. It’s the way the church has always worked.”
“Really?”
“Well, yes,” said Mrs. Rigby, now a little less certain of her intent.
“And how is it that you know Aaron’s feeling on the matter and I don’t?” Mac asked pointedly.
Mrs. Rigby caught Mac’s snapping brown eyes. “Um, well... It’s just that, uh, woman was created to be a helpmate for her man. And, uh, your place should be beside him.”
“I see.” Mac shifted Sam from one hip to the other. “Well, let me tell you something, Mrs. Rigby: from now on please call me Ms. MacKenzie or Colonel MacKenzie, or Mrs. Vawter – whichever is appropriate. And don’t ever presume to dictate the parameters of my life or my marriage or my career again. If you’ll excuse me.” Mac whirled around and hurried to the car before anyone else could stop her.
“Well, I never...” Mrs. Rigby was left gaping after Mac disappearing vehicle. Once Mac’s car was gone from her sight, Eleanor went in search of her husband.
~*~
“When she got home, Mac called Abigail and told her she wouldn’t make fellowship group that afternoon.
“Is everything alright, Sarah?”
“Not really, Abigail. I don’t have the right attitude, right now.”
“Alright... What should I tell Aaron?”
“Tell him not to come after me. I’m going out,” she said. “See you later.”
~
For lack of anyplace better to go, Mac ended up at JAG HQ. She flashed her ID badge to the gate guard and headed for the second floor. Sam slept peacefully in his stroller, so Mac pushed him into her office.
She wandered around the silent bullpen and contemplated her life there. For so long now, this place had been her life. But now, in a few weeks time, her life would be taking a dramatic turn.
She couldn’t image not being a part of this place, but perhaps it was time to seriously consider separating when her enlistment was up next year.
Sam was still sleeping when Mac peeked in on him, so she wandered into Harm’s office. The faint scent of his cologne lingered in the air. There was a time when that smell would send her heart racing. Now it only evoked warm memories.
She smiled at the model Stearman on the shelf and trailed her fingers lightly across the wings. She remembered the hours spent in the air with Harm, the freedom of flying, the freedom to enjoy his company without worrying about who was watching, the freedom to love him without having to hide it from anyone but him.
Her smile faded. And now, after everything, she was going to marry someone else.
“Mac?” called a familiar voice quietly from the door.
She started and turned around. “Harm.”
“Are you okay? What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“I meant here at JAG. Don’t you have a thing on Sunday afternoons?”
She nodded. “I could ask you the same thing.”
He shrugged. “I forgot a file. The Sprague court-martial.”
“Oh.” She nodded slowly.
“Mac, what’s going on?”
“Well, sorry to disappoint you. The wedding is still on,” she said, a little more sarcastically than she’d meant to.
“Give me a little credit here, would you?” he asked, hurt.
Mac wilted. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just mad and out of sorts. Three different ladies made comments at church this morning. They all expect me to get out of the Corps and play Little Suzie Homemaker.”
“Ouch.” Harm could sympathize. He knew just how much her life in the Marines was a part of who she now was.
“Yeah... I mean, the six weeks I was home with Sam was the longest and most boring six weeks of my life.”
Harm raised an eyebrow.
“You know what I mean. Aside from the time spent with Sam, but he slept so much when he was first born.”
“What does Aaron say?” Harm asked gently.
She shrugged.
“You haven’t talked to him yet?”
Mac shook her head.
“Mac.”
“What, Harm?” she asked a little defensively.
“For all intents and purposes you are no longer single. It’s probably a decision that only you can really make, but you need to discuss it with your husband-to-be. Your decision, either way, affects him, too.”
“I know,” she said.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Old habits die hard I guess,” she grinned at him. “I told off the last woman who made a comment. And I’m pretty sure Aaron knows about the incident by now, and I just wasn’t ready to face him yet and came running here... to you.”
“Mac,” he said softly, opening his arms to her.
She went to him and felt safe and secure in the warmth of his embrace. She chuckled. He must have just showered; his cologne was at full strength, but it had no effect on her what so ever. Her heartbeat remained on pace.
She listened to the strong, steady beat of Harm’s heart for a few moments before pulling away. “Thanks, Harm.” She laid a gentle hand on his stubbled cheek. “I’d better go.”
Harm listened to the elevator ding. His shoulders sagged a bit as the doors closed. If he had been a praying man, he would have petitioned the Lord to keep her at JAG just a little longer.
They only tie they had left was JAG. If she left now, there’d be a gaping hole in his life he knew nothing would ever fill.
~*~
Aaron pulled open the front door. “Sarah, what’s wrong? Are you all right? Where’s Sam?”
“Sam is the sitter’s house and I’m fine. As for what’s going on, can I come in?”
“Well...”
“Aaron, I’m not going to jump your bones, but I don’t think the front porch is the place to have this conversation.”
Aaron raised an eyebrow at her. “Alright,” he said, still reluctant. “I got a call from Martin Rigby this afternoon.”
“I’m not surprised,” she said, moving into the living room.
“Eleanor was a little upset about your confrontation this morning,” he said, following her.
“I’m a little upset about our confrontation this morning,” Mac countered. “In fact, I had the same basic conversation three times this morning.” She held up three fingers to make her point. “At least, Mrs. Rigby came right out with what was on her mind instead of making some innuendo.”
“What are you talking about?” Aaron asked, now a little confused.
“I was basically told today that once you and I are married, you and everybody else in the church expects me to get out of the Marine Corps, get more involved in the church, and start cranking out your own babies for you.” She stood there slightly defiant with her hands on her hips.
“What? You’re kidding?” Aaron raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“No. I’m not kidding. And after being 'deared' to death by all three women, I was fed up and I told Mrs. Rigby how to address me. And not only that, I pretty much told her to mind her own business.”
“Sarah, you didn’t.” It wasn’t a question, really. He knew she had.
“Well, of course, I did,” she replied. “It’s nobody’s business but ours.”
“That’s not exactly true, Sarah.”
“What do you mean, Aaron?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at him in annoyance.
“I’m the pastor. I lead by example. To a certain degree, my life is an open book to my parishioners.”
“Great! Does that mean they get to know how many times we make love on our honeymoon?”
“Of course not. Now, you’re being ridiculous.”
“Is that so?”
“Sarah, please...”
“Do you expect me to start cranking out babies?” she asked, now belligerent.
Aaron knew he was walking on eggshells here. Not because he was wrong, but because the very thing that made her who she was being threatened. “Only if you want to. So know this: if the only child you ever give me is Sam, I’ll die a happy man.”
That softened her a bit. “What about me getting more involved in the church?”
“That’s entirely up to you. Although, I hope you’ll wait. You know, I'm the envy of every man between the ages of thirteen and ninety-three. Why would I want my hot babe of a wife to give up the uniform that makes her the beauty that she is?
“Oh, that is so not true!" she denied, a pretty blush staining her cheeks.”
“It so is. Besides, I want us to have some time together before you go jumping feet first into serving or having any more babies.”
That did it. “Really?”
“Really.” He said and smiled. “Now. About Mrs. Rigby...”
Mac just groaned.